Das Geheimnis der Zauberpilze (The Secret of the Magic Mushroom)
This German film was made in 2009 and distributed by Troma. It was written, produced, directed and starring Crippler Criss and Werner Timm. It was hands down the worst movie I have ever seen. Welcome to my veto.
Two very drunk men decide to go camping in the woods. While they are there, they decide to drink more. Extra drunk is better than regular drunk, right? They invent a game where you take a drink and then punch each other, because alcohol. They guy with the mohawk get punched hard enough to fall down. He hits his head on a rock and dies. The surviving drunk guy drags Mohawk around the woods until he finds a place to bury him. That is when he meets a little person (just a guy on his knees) who instructs him to go on a journey to find the “Magic Mushrooms” that will bring his friend back to life. That sounds legit. Challenge accepted. So this guy is now an angry, tall, German Frodo roaming around the woods and suddenly encounters a man in full combat gear that is convinced his is currently in combat… even though they are alone in the woods. In the next scene Angry Tall German Frodo is in his workshop angrily building stuff when a stoned hippie takes a pee in the garden. ATGF catches him and throws him against a wall then drags him into the workshop. A hippie would know all about magic mushrooms that bring people back to life, right? When the hippie doesn't give ATGF the answer he wants, he cuts his foot off. At this point the hippie thinks he knows a guy that knows the whereabouts of the mushrooms. Also at this point, about 25 minutes in, I vetoed this movie and turned it the fuck off.
Where to being… this is a German language film but it does not have subtitles. Instead it is poorly dubbed in English. Not only is it poorly dubbed, almost every line is yelled. When characters are speaking to each other, they are yelling. When ATGF is thinking out loud trying to figure out what to do next, he is yelling. Between the volume of their voices, the veracity in which they delivered their lines and myself straining to understand anything they said, I ended up with a headache. See, this movie was so awful it cause me physical pain. This is an extremely low budget film. The cast consist of three men, one of whom keeps popping up as different characters. The fake blood and gore is gratuitous and I have to believe that these guys were drunk before, during and after the filming of this movie. And really, if not for the gore, is this really a horror film? If anyone ever asks you if you want to watch this movie, run away screaming. I happily lay down my veto in the first week of October. I give this movie 0 “is this a fucked up Lord of the Rings?” out of 5.
I don't think I have adequately trashed this movie. I guess I can't even put it into words how bad it was. Please enjoy the trailer so I don't have to live this nightmare alone.