Authors

Marissa Pona

Jacki Giorgianni

Nate Dunn

Amazon Wheel of Horror - October 27th - Den of Darkness

 More like 'Study of Stupidity' or 'Lounge of Lazy Screenwriting'.

More like 'Study of Stupidity' or 'Lounge of Lazy Screenwriting'.

Well, we're almost at the end of our little experiment and I wish I could say there's been some winners but these movies have almost all ranged from pretty bad to awful. This film definitely did not break the mold, in fact it's probably one of the most insipid, moronic movies I've ever seen. Oh and don't let the cover fool you, it's a liar like many of it's friends this month. No ghosts here, or even any scares, although there's a fun jump scare where a blind person thinks she can do her own makeup and ends up looking like a clown instead. Think Lifetime 'movie of the week'.

Hellen (That's not a typo) has recently lost her eyesight because... well I think it's because she's sad that she wasn't able to save her friend from falling off a cliff? Anyway, her husband Arthur takes her to a secret mansion that he owns in order to give her some peace and recover from her trauma. As you would expect, everything is not as it would seem. After some ghostly fake-outs, we learn that he is secretly keeping a sex slave in the basement, and when Hellen finds out, she has to be 'taken care of' in a more permanent sense.

Okay, so let's rip this thing apart. Nothing in this has had more than 5 seconds of thought put into it as far as plot construction goes. Why would Arthur take his wife, blind or not, to the house where he's keeping his underage sex slave? How do you lose your sight from being sad? Why does the maid say Senora at the end of 90% of her sentences? Why is it this one girl's job to save her dumbass friend who literally walked over the edge of a cliff when there are 6 other girls with her? Are their arms all broken? Why is the husband mad that his blind wife is befriending the woman who lives next door, when he leaves her at home alone everyday when he goes to work? How does falling from a hanging drop on an upstairs landing 15 feet up render anyone unconscious or possibly dead? Why is Hellen appalled at the fact that there's a pillow and blanket in the basement? Why does Hellen act like she's wandering around in pitch black while drunk, when they insist on using POV shots several times showing that her vision is just kind of blurry and vignetted? Why does this movie exist? Why can't anyone act? Why is the dialogue so incredibly bad? "You're going crazy and it's driving me INSANE!" NO MOVIE, YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE.

This movie is bad. I mean, it's laughably bad. I think that's the only reason I held on to my veto here. It's so stupid that you can't help but laugh at it. My favorite part is the 5 minute montage of the maid showing Hellen how to get around the house on her own. It's so drawn out and silly and just an incredibly useless scene. 'Okay Senora, here's the front of the sink, now let's count how many random hand touches it takes to get to the faucet. Senora, with this information you'll be able to get around on your own no problem, Senora. Hold on Senora, I think there's a Senora at the door'.

I don't know who spent so much money on this, but I bet they were enraged when they saw the final cut. The movie looks good and the editing is functional, but the script and actors ruin this thing 100 times over. Just goes to show you once again that it doesn't matter how much money you throw at something; You can't polish a turd.

-Nate

Episode 17- The Jersey Ghouls vs. Comedies with Horror

Episode 17- The Jersey Ghouls vs. Comedies with Horror

Day 26- Marissa Exercises Her Veto; Finds a Good Horror Flick